Winter coat

Based on PB & J by Ananda Lima

As a Texan
my closet
was missing it
from the beginning

No one told me
how to get one
There was no freshman seminar
on surviving the cold
or ski resorts
and summer homes

When the leaves fell
off the ivy
I huddled alone
in a dorm the size of
my last childhood apartment
eyes itching
lips chapped
skin cracked
bones aching
in ways I couldn’t explain
an animal instinct
to hibernate and
escape

Did you know
layers
aren’t about meaning
and bundle
is also a verb

When the snow turned
dark with sludge
I walked to class in icy shoes
the wrong kind of leather
wind whistling through
my cotton sleeves
fingers gripped in
a double fist

Back then I prayed
warmth was just
a mental battle
like so many others before
Back when I thought class
was something
you could attend
and merit, something
you could debate
like taste and finer things

Last year I bought
with my money
17 years later
my first winter coat

The bouncer let me in
after half an hour
in a Soho line
I beelined
for the exact model I picked online
white as Le Corbusier’s walls
Black Label to brand the left arm
for those who know
its price
the cost to live 30 days
in a Soma bedroom
a small fee for
admission

I nagged
my husband to lift it up
and shoved my arms into
the waiting sleeves
its hidden feathers
heavy
for a blanket harvested
from birds
whose flesh I craved
but whose fashion
I never consumed
until then

Cloaked in a techwear cocoon
in the cacophony of shopping
I dreamed of weather
extreme
enough for après ski strolls
and sipping hot toddies
by burning wood
in armor unspoiled by
greasy hands
and splatter

The collar zipped to my nose
my face obscured in furry folds
you couldn’t find me in
that crowd of
New Yorkers